We’re so cooked: The 2025–26 editorial team roast each other’s Spotify wrappeds
Styx’s wrapped — roasted by Angus
SLIZZA’S STATS
Total listening time: (A measly) 9,425 minutes
Top genre: City Pop
Top 5 songs:
1. 檻, Yoeko Kurahashi
2. 意識, Sheena Ringo and 斎藤ネコ
3. 人生は夢だらけ, Sheena Ringo
4. ¿Dónde éstas, Yolanda?, Pink Martini
5. Calm, Kate Wetherhead
Top 5 artists:
1. Sheena Ringo
2. スペシャルウィーク
3. Yoeko Kurahashi
4. Phantom Siita
5. FRUITS ZIPPER
Styx! You have such a wonderful personality, and you strive to be quirky; I can tell. The first thing I did beginning this roast was open up google translate. I mean, I had to figure out who these people were and how they held significance to you throughout the year. And let me say that by searching through these discographies, I had no idea who these artists were. But can you really blame me? Your artists aren’t underrated— they are just un-listened to. Even Spotify was like: “Bro who??” Calling your top 5 niche would be an overstatement to the largest degree! City-pop? It should be Village-pop at this point.
I digress. It’s expected in society to try your hardest to be kind, caring, and affirming to the ELDERLY! Jesus Styx— listening age of 82? I can practically see the wrinkles on your face. You must’ve been so happy as a child seeing Mussolini surrender from the Italian-Nazi regime! I mean writing this roast took me as long as it did for you to grow up to your ripe, elderly age. But is that even my fault? Half of your top 5 songs I can’t even read. I tried reading some of them out loud and didn’t notice I had my Duolingo opened, and I leveled up so, thanks... I guess? Listening to these tracks, I somehow broke a language barrier that I didn’t know existed! In all seriousness these tracks are soothing, relaxing, and hold a very nostalgic feeling. It was a perfect lullaby for the 82-year-old grandma Styx Slizza!
A. Burge
Claire’s wrapped — roasted by Styx
MCCONNELL’S STATS
Total listening time: 19,917 minutes
Top Genre: Indie Pop
Top 5 songs:
1. Golden, HUNTR/X, EJAE, AUDREY NUNA, REI AMI, KPop Demon Hunters Cast
2. Switch It On, Switch It Off, Chartreuse
3. Ma Meillure Ennemie, Luc Van Haver, Pomme, and Stromae (from Arcane)
4. Nightcall, Kavinsky
5. Do U Mind? (Leave the Light On), FLEECE
Top 5 artists:
1. Chartreuse
2. Yebba
3. Mindchatter
4. Frankie Cosmos
5. The Marías
Claire, I must applaud you on your commitment to diversity. Your top albums contain a vast range of tastes, from Hamilton to Harry Styles to Tyler the Creator, all the way to Kpop Demon Hunters. Seriously, how did everyone listen to so much Kpop Demon Hunters this year? It came out late June, you monsters. You in particular, Claire, seemed to REALLY enjoy it, seeing as Golden is your top song. Why Golden? It’s not even the best song from the movie. I’ve heard rumors that you listened to it that much so you could help your cousin learn it, but we both know that’s not true. We know the truth. We know that you want to snog a Saja boy.
I have never before heard of a single artist in your top 5, which really illustrates your commitment to your top genre, indie pop. Is indie even considered a genre? I thought it was supposed to mean independently published music. However, I suppose sad Pacific Northwest folks like you who want to have unique, underground music taste couldn’t stand not having a word for it.
It seems that Kpop Demon Hunters wasn’t the only popular media you enjoyed this year. Ma Meilleure Ennemie from Arcane was your number three song. Honestly, I personally enjoy this song, but number 3 in your Spotify Wrapped? You REALLY enjoy this song. Knowing you, I’m quite surprised that Ma Meilleure Ennemie made your top three instead of Fantastic…
S. Slizza
Laura’s wrapped — roasted by Sadie
SHEIKH’S STATS
Total listening time: 20,991 minutes
Top genre: Indie Folk
Top 5 songs:
1. Same Old Song, The Lumineers
2. Slow It Down, Benson Boone
3. Maine, Noah Kahan
4. Cry, Benson Boone
5. Stubborn Love, The Lumineers
Top 5 artists:
1. The Lumineers (0.1% fan, 1,974 minutes)
2. Noah Kahan
3. Bad Bunny
4. Benson Boone
5. Zach Bryan
Benson Boone. Can we start with that? You should’ve heard my sigh of relief when I discovered her top song wasn’t Moonbeam Ice Cream. Listen, I’ll be the first to defend good ol’ BB. But to be in your Top 5 Artists? That takes consistency. Imagine, you’re preparing to drive home from a long day at school. As you shut the car door you think to yourself, “Oh man, some music would be great right now!” And you know what you play? “Cry”. You play “Cry”, by Benson Boone. Who hurt you? Who are you picturing when you sing this, my innocent, sweet Laura. There she goes, banging on her steering wheel and drifting around corners as the lyrics “GO AND RUIN SOMEONE ELE’S LIFE” pour out from her soul.
Someone call up the illuminati because Laura Sheikh is a proud member. I wonder how much dedication it takes to be in the top 0.1% of a band no one’s cared about since the 2010s. This is honestly impressive though, considering the fact that the Lumineers weren’t even mentioned in her top 5 last year. It’d be a shame if I didn’t point out her top song was literally “Same Old Song”. The lyrics are just “We sing the same old song. We sing the same old, same sad song”. Sad is right- Laura’s mysterious love for this band is probably what went wrong when Spotify absolutely violated Laura with her determined listening age.
Age is just a number, but Laura’s is downright vile. To have a listening age of 76 at 17 is just sad. I’ll let that speak for itself.
Let’s applaud Laura for at least branching out a bit. Her consistent love of Noah Kahan is admirable, seeing as it was her Number 1 last year. But to go from country-loving Noah... to Bad Bunny...? How? Just like, genuinely, how is that possible?
And it’s like, we get it, we get it, you’re good at Spanish. No need to listen to unintelligible rapping for hours on end. Mr. Swaim, may he rest in retirement, would be proud of our Spanish-addicted editor. Or a bit concerned. Like most of us are.
One more thing. Zach Bryan is basic. I thought better of you, Laura. I bet “Pink Skies” is your favorite song. Despicable. Not to mention the fact that it’s Country. Egh.
Overall, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.
S. Overstreet
Bella’s wrapped — roasted by Laura
AVERETT’S STATS
Total listening time: 44,362 minutes
Top genre: Indie Folk
Top 5 songs:
Graceland Too, Phoebe Bridgers
Pushing It Down and Praying, Lizzy McAlpine
Lover, You Should’ve Come Over, Jeff Buckley
American Teenager, Ethel Cain
Francesca, Hozier
Top 5 artists:
Hozier (3,952 minutes, top 0.07% fan, 96,910 top listener globally)
Phoebe Bridgers
Taylor Swift
Sabrina Carpenter
Lana Del Rey
Spotify claims Bella listened to 206 genres this year, but that was an unnecessary statistic because it can be pretty well summed up into one: basic white girl music. Hey—someone had to say it.
She started the year off strong, with Taylor Swift dominating her listening habits. This is how you know Bella is a real one. She didn't jump ship after the Eras Tour ended and has instead decided to ride this wave till it crashes. The Fate of Ophelia music video has 172 million views—how many of those do we think were Bella watching it and trying to convince herself that “surely the orange bird in the painting must be an Easter egg that represents Swift freeing herself from her metaphorical shackles?” If you know, you know, and if you don’t know… good. That means you still have your sanity—unlike Miss Averett.
But despite all this, when it came to being a feminist, she really missed the mark. Four out of five of her top artists’ spots were filled with incredible, powerhouse women, but then, of course, her number one artist had to be a man. So, to all the people out there who she’s been fooling, please know: Bella Averett is not a girl’s girl. In fact, she may be “man’s best friend.”
It was sometime between May and October when Bella’s girly pop queen listening era took a turn and she became utterly enamored with the sweet, syrupy voice of her number one artist, Hozier. And not only was Bella a top 0.07% fan— she was so obsessed that Spotify gave her a little extra analysis piece, informing Bella that she was, in fact, the 96,910th biggest Hozier listener… in the world.
It looks like she can die happy now— but with her music taste, can she really?
Bella, between the Hozier and Phoebe Bridgers dominion, when was the last time you listened to a happy song? Are you confusing your beach day and rainy day playlists, or do you really just find the world this disheartening? Perhaps next year you might throw some sombr into your musical lexicon—his name quite literally means “sad”, which would seem to match your musical preferences perfectly.
L. Sheikh
Angus’ wrapped — roasted by Bella
BURGE’S STATS
Total listening time 36,259
Top genre: Pop Rap
Top 5 songs:
Gymnopedie No. 1, Erik Satie
I Wanna Be Yours, Arctic Monkeys
Caramel, Sleep Token
Gethsemane, Sleep Token
bugging!, Brakence
Top 5 artists:
SZA
Tate McRae
Sleep Token
Kendrick Lamar
Brakence
To begin the absolute rollercoaster that is this Spotify Wrapped, I have to say that Angus single-handedly put an end to toxic masculinity with his Spotify Wrapped. Now he says that his wrapped is the way that it is because he shares his account with his girlfriend, but that is obviously a ploy of his to hide the fact that he spent the past year queening out with his top two artists SZA and Tate McRae. Who would have known that the Tiger Tribunes very own short story author and editor pregames his short story writing with mainstream dance pop? I mean – Tate McRaes “No, you ain’t got no Mrs. Oh, but you got a sports car” really provoke thoughts of the upmost profundity. Unfortunately, Angus can not seem to beat the “Not Like Us” allegations because with Kendrick Lamar as his third most listened to artist, he is definitely “Like Us” if you consider us to be the 100 million listeners of Kendrick Lamar. At least that means we know his opinion on the Drake v. Kendrick beef.
As I see it there is nothing wrong with listening to the most popular artists, who doesn’t? Especially when they are contrasted by the opposite alt-pop, emo-rap artist brakence and the London band Sleep Token. Consistency at its finest. In my listening to brakence for this roast my idea of Angus embracing his diva side with Tate and SZA was utterly destroyed by the overload of midwest emo pop flooding my ears. I am not one to immediately dismiss music taste, but the potent “Machine Gun Kelly x midwest emo” vibes obstructed my concept of brakence.
To top off the utter disorder that is his top artists, his top song was “Gymnopedie No. 1” by Erik Satie. I respect the determination to master the ballet dancer vibe, but at what cost? 130 times, really? The slow piano of this song had to have driven him to madness – Angus, are you okay?
The following top songs are overwhelming British (despite the one outlier) and overwhelmingly indie. Once again, the commitment to vibe is impressive whether its pop superstar, artsy ballet dancer, or tumblr girl you seemed to have put in the effort to succeed. Music wise, at the very least. And you most definitely used up those 36,259 minutes in some… interesting ways.
B. Averett
Sadie’s wrapped — roasted by Claire
OVERSTREET’S STATS
Total listening time: 24,040 minutes
Top genre: Soft Pop
Top 5 songs:
No Surprises, Radiohead
Love Is Always Lovely in the End, Georgia Engel, Edward Hibbert, ‘The Drowsy Chaperone’ Original Broadway Cast
Fake Plastic Trees, Radiohead
Let Down, Radiohead
Sparks, Coldplay
Top 5 artists:
Radiohead (1,957 minutes, 0.7% fan)
Taylor Swift
Sabrina Carpenter
TV Girl
Gracie Abrams
It took me a while to write this roast because I have been in a state of shell shock since viewing this Spotify wrapped. Not only was seeing Radiohead as Sadie’s top artist shocking because of what a happy go-lucky person she is, but seeing Taylor Swift afterwards in the number 2 spot whipped me back to a sad (-ie) reality. You may have started a couple of turf wars with this one, because I think it’s safe to say neither Radiohead nor Taylor Swift would be happy to be a top artist pair. At least they can both connect over writing lyrics that confuse me.
It has become clear to me that being a theatre kid and listening to too much Radiohead are pretty much the same thing. Do you like spoon fed character growth and emotional whiplash? You’re either a theatre kid or you love Radiohead. Potentially both!
I would like to express a degree of concern, though. Three Radiohead songs popped up in your top five songs this year, and the two other songs were Sparks by Coldplay and a song from The Drowsy Chaperone. So, if what I’m understanding is correct, if you were not involved in theatre, your fifth song this year would be I Bet on Losing Dogs by Mitski or literally anything by Adrianne Lenker. Yes, I know we were all sad that Val Kilmer died this year, but I didn’t realize it affected you THIS much. Good job keeping his memory alive, though- you're doing an excellent job playing the teenage girl version of Batman with these alternate personas. I imagine you end your day with a joyous “Bye Claire!” only to drop the mask dramatically as you play Sparks by Coldplay and No Surprises by Radiohead simultaneously and drive off into the night.
While on the subject, as you were squeezing Radiohead into your wrapped for edge points, you could have at least squeezed a non-white person in there for diversity points. Just one!
Let's talk about the rest of Sadie’s wrapped, shall we? Her top album is Short n’ Sweet. Did something in this album particularly speak to you, Sadie? You do realize that you are, like, seven-feet tall, don’t you? Also, don’t these songs seem a bit dirty for someone who described The Summer I Turned Pretty as “extremely graphic”. I have to ask: Is your favorite Juno position the Tinkerbell “Boo! ”..? Or maybe the one she did on April Fools?
To “wrap” this roast off, I would like to thank Sadie for making this roast incredibly easy for me by listening to the 5 most basic artists known to mankind. Thank you for reading, and Sadie, please don’t get too upset because God knows you’ve listened to Sparks enough this year.
C. McConnell
